maldita

I thought i am pathetic then i realized he is hopeless. It all seemed funny now, my stupidity and his infidelity. Its as if on times like this my brain refuses to acknowledge reasons, as what other people says intellectual being refrains to use their common sense when it comes to love. Its not that i denied to see his flaws and shortcomings its just that i kept making excuses for his attitude towards me. Little did i know that by making excuses for his actions i made myself vulnerable to hurt and long hours of contemplating if its all worth it. Eventually by shutting my eyes on his unwillingness to reciprocate what i felt for him back then, it signals an unspoken permission for him to take me forgranted. His infidelity woke me up from my delusions. He never really love me. Maybe i loved him too much to realize that he is being unfair. I forgot that in a relationship two person must exert effort for it to work out. In my case i feel like being on a boat with him beside me, the thing is im the only one whose holding the paddle for the boat to advance. I kept on rowing even if my muscle hurts, i continued to row until such time that my muscles decided to give up, it became sore enough to make me quit. i surrendered because i know that i’ve done my part. I’m tired of anticipating something from himn. I’m sick of all his never ending excuses and apologies. I thought i would be different but unfortunately im not. I tried all my best to look good for him, now i realized that i dont have to hear his compliment to feel pretty because deep down i know that im beautiful. With him i always wanted to be perfect, too perfect i tend to be pretending all along. Although he does make me smila and laugh, he took care of me and sometimes i felt special, but still i wanted out because the negative outweighs the positive. I dont want to be always the one waiting for him. I dont want to guess all the time if he really loves me. I dont want to be his doormat. I want to stop making him my priority, enough of my foolishness. Now its over and done, i know better and i definitely know my worth. I dont deserve him and i deserve better. I’m ok now and im fine besides arent we allowed to make mistakes sometime? Now i decided to love my self above all. So that next time that ill be inlove again ill make sure not to lose myself in the process. Now I can smile and laugh when i remember him, honestly i dont feel any bitterness. Another chapter of my life has ended and indeed im excited ti start a new one. A new beginning….

—lene 10/20/08

i always get so mushy when i happen to watch a romantic flick, what amazes me are thise people who are deeply inlove with each other i mean its like having the whole world fits just right into your arms. Having someone you know you could spend your whole life with. These kind of movies makes me think if its really possible to care for other so much well in fact sometime before they are just a total stanger. With the joy and happiness potrayed by those character in the movies makes me think if i will ever experience that kind of emotion. You know being extremely excited waiting for that someone to fetch me for our date. To have butterflies in my stomach as i patiently wait for him to knock on my door. To be totally speechless infront of him when just a while ago i practiced all the things i want to tell him. To have someone hold my hand as we walk. To have someone who will laugh at my clumsiness and tolerates my childish ways. To look really nice for him but not to perfect for him not to think that im trying too hard. To experience that kiss in which the whole world stops and you don’t want anything more but to kiss that person again and again. To cuddle with while its raining outside. To just spend my lazy sunday afternoon with him doing noting or just simply watch dvd together. To have someone to tell me how cute i am after hours of crying and then pinch my nose afterwards to make me laugh. To be breathless by just looking at him talk and smile. To feel secure and stunned by his presence. To have someone to talk to that would listen to me. To feel pretty in a bad hair day. To fight and argue then afterwards make up again. To spends foolish holidays in peculiar ways. Ok fine i know im getting too carried away by these movies, I’m a self confessed hopeless romantic though at times i deny it. Its just nice to look at two people inlove although at times i really get annoyed by them. I’m happy being alone, i honestly am, but at times I think its nice to be with someone else. There came a time that i really despised love for the reason that no matter how i try it just keeps on avoiding me. Now i know better, being with someone can make you happy but being contented with my self is a greater feeling. I learned that I shouldn’t find a man just because I’m lonely, what I should do is to find happiness with in me. So while waiting for Mr. Right I’ll just sit down and be pretty and for the meantime settle on those kilig flicks and share their happiness.

there was this boy who has a teddy bear whom he likes dearly,he always talks about his teddy,how soft it is to hug,how cute,how he enjoys playing with it,when the boy is sad he talks to his teddy saying all his pain and hurts,when his happy he hugs it..not knowing the bear developed a deep feeling for the boy so true and genuine it made the teddy alive..but when the boy got a new toy he forgets his teddy,he just leaves it anywhere,he never talks to it and never hugs it anymore then his new toy was destroyed he again turned his affection to his teddy,as usual he always has his teddy wherever he goes..then again another new toy comes and he forget his teddy..that cycle happened again and again,the teddy grew tired of this and decided to leave but her left a note for the boy saying:

" i hate you,u made me believe that u love me..i lived in the wrong notion that u actually like me,that u care for me..u r so unfair,right from the start u know where you stand in my heart,but me until now i dont know where to place myself in ur life..im always here waiting for you to notice me,waiting for u to remember that i exist…u always leaves me but whenever u come back im al;ways there art the same place where u left me..im tired being ur meantime friend..i got to go..u nvr showed me any importance,,,how dare u to make me believe that u love me..u dont know how to love…"

aftr reading this the boy just shrug and continued playing with his new toy..but after sometime he got tired playing of it..he misses his teddy..he wants his teddy..but its gone,,the boy cried but teddy never came back..it nvr came bank..

this story happened in a far far away land a thousand years ago..there was this ball where everybody is invited,you can see and meet all the lovely ladies and handsome gentlemen or may i say the lovely butterflies and the handsome bees ..one of the guest are the mr bee and his lady green butterfly,they came to the party holding hands and looking at each others eyes with love and affection…they danced the night away drifting with the music as if nobody else matter..as if they are the only one that is existing that night..the bee loves his green butterfly very dearly he holds her as if she is very fragile and one wrong move can break her..suddenly green butterfly excused herself, the bee agreed and they stopped dancing..the bee waited for green butterfly but she took so long,when he looked at the dance floor he saw his lovely green butterfly dancing with a dragonfly..the bee is hurt,how can the love of his life do this to him..he looked around and planned for revenge,he wanted to get even..then in the crowd he saw red butterfly with the eyes like a star shining and attractive..the bee asked red butterfly to dance with him..red butterfly agreed thinking that it would be nice to have someone to dance with…so they danced ,red butterfly was very happy to have bee..they dance and dance..little did red butterfly know that while they are dancing the bee kept on looking at the direction of green butterfly whom he loved dearly…then time pass away red butterfly thought that everything is fine between her and bee but she was wrong…as she hopelessly falling for bee,he kept on thinking about green butterfly..then as bee and red butterfly is dancing, green butterfly tapped the shoulder of bee and she asked him to dance with her again w/o hesitation bee left red butterfly alone in the dancing floor and went dancing with green butterfly, his eyes shining and his smile is very wide..he get what he wanted on the first place to get the love of his life back..the red butterfly was devastated..she looked pathetic standing on the dancefloor alone..her once lovely eyes loses its sparkle..her sweet smile turned into a frown..she is hurting inside,sher asssumed that bee also cares for her..that he is also falling for her..now she walks away feeling worthless..the once graceful red butterfly lost her confidence..the positive side is she learned a thing about love that not everything ends with "and they lived happily ever after" sometimes she needs to get her heart crushed and broken to realize that she is so much worthy of being loved…that she is more than just a past time..that in time she will find the one that can make her happy and that will truly love her..

i love him
he loves me not
he loves his past
who broke his heart

i destroyed my wall
hoping togethr we’ll fall
but it didn’t happen
bec his still on the ground where he’d fallen

he keeps on promising
i keep on waiting
im so pathetic
its frustrating

i’m trying to reach out
eventhough im in doubt
i tried to get to his heart
then i realized its had been dead for so long
it had been smashed, mutilated and buried
that is why it can’t beat for me again

hopeless..
lame..
pathetic..

What if i’ve learned to love you?

Would u love me too..

or u’ll just laugh and say

"I made a fool out of u"

What if i’ve given u everything?

Would u cherish it..

or u’ll just go and say

"What’s the big deal"

What if i’ve learned to live my life for u?

Would u take care of me..

or u’ll just turn ur back and walk away..

What if i lived with the belief that u were mine?

Would you gladly embrace it..

or just shrug ur shoulder..

What if i’ll look into ur eyes?

Would i see eternity..

or an abandoned place full of lies..

What if one day i need to cry?

Would u offer ur shoulder and lend ur hand..

or u’ll just look at me and say

"Can u stop it?"

what if..

In the narrow alley my almost lifeless body lay,

I want to run the other way,

But my tired soul asked me to stay,

Don’t move my exhausted mind says..

My heart is shattered into pieces,

My mind is torned,

My soul is crushed,

My body is mutilated..

Its raining again,

Its every drop adds to my depression,

I silently cry and begged it to stop,

Im already drowning but my mouth refuses to open up,

Shock is seen on my grieving eyes,

Im gasping for air but my hypoxic drive had been inactivated..

I want to fight but my soul had surrendered,

I raised my hand hoping that someone would grab it,

Then I realized that Im hopeless,

Im in a never ending pain,

So severe, so intense that it made me familiar with the agony,

I’m losing my life but im feeling numb..

I cant bear it anymore,

My grip is slipping fast,

Save me no more,

Im ready to let go..

As i shut my blood streaked eyes,

A tear fell down,

Rest at last,

Then silence….

am i wearing a mask?

coz i don’t know how i really feel,

i don’t even know who i am..

is this all just pretension?

i cannot comprehend..

why am i laughing without feeling any joy inside,

why am i smiling without any meaning..

i’m always the jolly person everyone know but can they say when am i really happy..

i used to talk a lot,

i wonder why can’t anyone notice the sadness in my voice..

i have d loudest laugh,

bt no one ever realized that it’s empty.. 

i always have the cheerful outlook in life,

but don’t they know that my hope is fading..

no one has ever seen me cry,

but they don’t know that i’m living in pain..

all they know is my smiles and optimism..

no one would even think that i often times stumble and fall down,

they doesn’t see me wounded..

they say that the eyes are the window of the heart,

it can express what someone really feels,

but i think that’s not applicable in my case..

bec. if it is why can’t anyone grasp d totality of my being..

they don’t know the

tears..

pain..

suffering..

hurts..

why can’t anyone notice it..

maybei played my part very well that i made people believe what i want them to..

am i wearing a mask?

-Love is a state of mind

-Don’t say that u can’t live w/o him..inhale..exhale..u just need air to breath and u just have to breath to live..

-We have an irrational belief that we should be loved.

-So if u love someone don’t expect a reciprocation of ur feeling..just be happy that u love him..If he loves u back that is just a bonus..

-The ratio of male and female is 1:10 one male to ten female..but don’t worry in 8billion people in this world u just need one..

-DON’T GO LOOKING FOR LOVE JUST SIT STILL AND BE PRETTY..

-In a relationship give each other space to breath..

-We have an irrational belief that we must be excellent in everything..Remember that in everything u do is not a measure of your worth as a being..

-Look at yourself a wonderful being,so if someone said someting nice about u say thank you..

-Love yourself and accept what u see in the mirror everyday..

-Celebrate yourself and celebrate that u are u..

-Love life..laugh..cry..run..shout..work..study..enjoy!

-Live today as if it is ur last..

-The world is unfair but the choices are fair so make the right choice..

-Celebrate life..

I HATE LOVE

I hate love

It makes u think ur strong,

but on one blink ur wrong,

It stays inside ur hypothalamus,

Then it eats all the courage, hope and optimism,

Until u r left with nothing..

I detest love

It makes u believe in eternity,

It takes u away from reality,

It makes u believe in fairies,

Then unknowingly love will destroy it all,

Until nothing is left for u to cling to,

It wont stop until ur heart is torn into pieces..

Fuck love

It is disguised as a wonderful dream,

Full of flowers and daisies,

With rainbows and butterflies,

But u’ll wake up in a nightmare,

A monster in disguise,

A thing u thought so pretty yet dangerous..

I fucking hate love

It makes u wait for sunshine,

It makes u long for the air,

Then it will send a storm and strong winds,

It wont stop until ur drowned,

It wont stop until ur lifeless..

I hate love

It seems to be gentle,

It takes away ur shield,

It makes u put away ur defense,

It makes u vulnerable,

Then suddenly it opens ur chest and gets ur heart right through it,

It kicks u on the head,

Until u wish to just die..

I fuckin hate love coz its full of lie,

I fuckin hate love coz it makes u die,

I fuckin hate love coz it makes u weak..

I detest love

It makes u stupid and dumb,

It makes u believe in anyone,

It squeezes ur heart and then it tears it apart..

Fuck love

It makes u think of forever,

Even if it is never,

It makes u hope,

It makes u dream,

Then it will destroy ur fantasies beyond scream..